🌀
The HR Loopâ„¢
Trap any reasonable request in a 6-month "investigation." Fourteen interviews. Three "neutral" mediators. Zero outcomes. Maximum mental damage.
See workflow ↓Whether you're suppressing dissent, reframing burnout as "growth," or quietly punishing whoever dared to use the wellness policy, Zebra in India has a workflow for that.
Trap any reasonable request in a 6-month "investigation." Fourteen interviews. Three "neutral" mediators. Zero outcomes. Maximum mental damage.
See workflow ↓Convert "I'd like to take parental leave" into "we have concerns about your commitment" — automatically, with AI-suggested phrasing that's just legally vague enough.
Reward visibility, not output. Track green dots, late-night messages, and weekend commits. Promote whoever burns out fastest.
Set vague, ever-shifting goals. Praise in standup, criticize in calibration. Promotion is always "next cycle."
Encourage feedback. File anyone who gives it. The hotline is anonymous in the same way that a glass door is private.
Run a Mental Health Awareness week. Assign a 4-hour "self-care" workshop on a Saturday. Quietly flag anyone who actually attends.
Six steps from "I'd like to talk about my workload" to "we're going to have to part ways."
Employee uses any of the following words: balance, sustainable, boundaries, burnout, fair. System auto-flags.
"Thanks for raising this. Let's loop HR in to support you." Translation: you are now under investigation.
14 peers asked about your "tone." Notes are confidential. You will never see them.
Your concern is now your performance issue. The original request is forgotten.
"We couldn't substantiate your concerns. We do, however, have feedback for you."
Promotion paused. Scope reduced. Six months later, "mutual decision."